The Confounding Effect of Fear

When I think of my fears, all sorts of things come to mind. There are common ones like bears, heights, and the big one - Death. But there is another dimension of fear that I feel isn't explored as much as it should be. For example, the fear of an unfortunate realization - whether it is about you, someone you hold in high regard, or anything you value. This internal fear is sometimes even more paralyzing and obtrusive than physical fear, yet it is often ignored.

The reason I find this so important is because fear and the process of accepting / confronting it have gotten me out of numerous tough situations in my life. It was incredibly difficult for me to understand at first, but only recently have I begun to realize the impact that fear has had in my life. I had many emotional fears, such as not fitting in, not being trusted, or not being liked - but the biggest one was being vulnerable. I did not recognize these fears at the time, and it took me years to accept them. My fear of not fitting in prevented me from being individualistic and developing creativity in a positive way. My fear of not being trusted, and inevitably my fear of trusting people prevented me from learning so much more from friends and family. My fear of not being liked allowed me to justify compromising my most important values, which I would consider unacceptable by my own standards today. My fear of vulnerability prevented me from forming many potentially significant and meaningful relationships with a variety of people. When I look back at the huge impact of fear in the past, I wonder how it will affect my future.

I have confronted and continue to work on accepting some of these fears without abandoning my own values. Now, more than ever, I have begin to explore what makes me unique as a human being while accepting that we can all find common ground. I no longer worry about whether people trust me, and I trust those who are willing to be a consistent part of my life. I value and respect myself enough not to always cater to others - and rather, value my own character and principles.

On one hand, there are risks of accepting vulnerability. After there is a mutual level of trust and vulnerability, if that trust is betrayed, the consequences can be severe. It can change both people in a lot of ways, and it can have negative effects on both people's relationships with others. So why trust anyone enough to be completely vulnerable?

The most significant thing I have learned by facing these fears is that vulnerability is a privilege, and it is not something to be afraid of. Let me explain : I believe the foundation of mutual trust is vulnerability. If someone is willing to open up to you and trust you enough to show vulnerability, it shows that your relationship with that person is unique. It also allows you to be more open, and when both people in any kind of relationship are comfortable around each other enough to be vulnerable, it is a truly unique and more meaningful. These kind of relationships cannot be formed without that level of trust and vulnerability, especially if it is not mutual.

These are all lessons I have learned from fear. None of them were easy to learn, and I made many mistakes along the way. I also accept that I will make more mistakes in the future. I know that I still have many emotional fears - but the most important struggle is for balance - specifically that I balance confrontation and acceptance of fear. It can be difficult to find that balance for each fear, but if we strive for it the quality of our relationships and our lives will show it.

Top 5: Movies

I've been having a lot of interesting conversations with a variety of people about movies and cinematography. The films a person enjoys can say a lot about that person. I believe the medium to be very personal. Yet I never really considered what my favorite movie was. I can name a few that I believe are unmatched, but I decided to make a list of my top five movies of all time. It was extremely difficult to say the least, but here it is:

5. Flipped - This is not an amazing movie in terms of direction, but the plot was so engaging and the characters were multidimensional and likable. This movie will make you laugh, cry, and everything in between. There is just a great variety of emotional engagement, and it makes the movie a unique experience. Throughout the whole movie, the talented actors made the characters easy to relate to and made you want to root for the protagonists wholeheartedly without being disingenuous. Very few movies have that kind of affect on the viewer, and for that reason, Flipped is in the top five.

4. State of Play - This movie represents the return of the original political thriller. At the time, political thrillers were just glorified action movies which focused less on characterization and acting, and more on special effects and pure action. While I enjoy action movies as much as the next guy, I particularly appreciate interesting, suspenseful plots and intelligent acting. The movie itself is incredibly entertaining, with Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe delivering fantastic performances - but the true significance of this movie is bringing back the political thriller genre. This led the way for other brilliant movies in the genre such as The Constant Gardener and Frost/Nixon.

3. Oldboy - This is the second entry in the Vengeance trilogy by the masterful director, Park Chan-Wook. All three movies could easily be in this list, but this is definitely my favorite entry in the trilogy. I would go as far as to say this represents the pinnacle of Korean direction and cinematography. Each frame is so precise and measured. The actors are phenomenal, with moving, emotionally engaging performances throughout. The plot is genius, and the twist is genuinely tough to predict. Until about halfway through the movie, everything is confusing but still interesting and engaging enough to keep the viewer interested. This is intentional, as is the case in all three of Park Chan-Wook's movies in the series. When it all comes together, there is no experience like Oldboy out there, and it is one of the best psychological thrillers ever made. However, I highly recommend watching this movie with English subtitles rather than the voice-overs which are hilariously bad.

2. Michael Clayton - This movie has a fairly predictable plot, but it is all about the acting. Two of my favorites, George Clooney and Tilda Swinton, have two of the best performances I have ever seen. Each scene is spot on in terms of emotional and facial cues. The actors portray the proper mood and atmosphere sometimes without even saying a word. This is a perfect example of when the dialogue (while excellent, as is always the case for Clooney movies), is transcended by the acting skill. It is extremely rare for a movie to be so focused on the tiny details, and with Clooney and Swinton, it works brilliantly. Some think it is slow paced, but for someone who appreciates brilliant acting, it will not fail to impress.

1. Good Night, and Good luck - This political drama was a huge breakthrough for Clooney as a writer. The cast was made up of many up and coming stars at the time (Downey Jr., Langella, Clooney), yet it had a chemistry that was unparalleled. The dialogue was witty, interesting, and engaging. The plot was not only suspenseful and entertaining, but it made the viewer question moral standards in journalism. The subject matter was something that resonated with me, as I was always interested in the role of media in social issues. This movie not only represents my love for journalism, but also for writing in general. If you are interested in journalism, you will absolutely love this movie. If you just want to watch a great movie, I also highly recommend it. It doesn't get much better than this.