Academically, it's been a challenge. Although my grades have been good by most standards, I haven't been satisfied by my level of efficiency with time. I often spend hours reading and trying to digest information without feeling like I actually learned much. Most of my classes focus on pure memorization without any practical application. With the exception of my poetry class (which is only once a week) and the occasional interesting lecture in global history, my classes have been uninteresting to me. Much of my time devoted to academics seems to be a waste. However, I've managed to find motivation; I can't even pinpoint exactly what is motivating me. Grades certainly don't at this point, and I'm not interested in the classes - perhaps I'm still riding the wave of motivation from the beginning of the semester. Regardless, I'm glad that I've put in enough time to do well in all my classes - and I hope that I can improve my efficiency or develop more of an interest in some of the material.
At home, I am continuing to develop stronger relationships with my siblings and my parents. I rarely talk to my little brother but am still very close with him. I have been putting forth more of an effort in terms of keeping up with my sisters. Although it has been less than rewarding at times, it has still helped me to feel more connected with them - and ultimately will help to get along better with them despite our huge differences. My attempts with my parents have been less than successful. I want to believe that my parents will be understanding and somewhat flexible (and they have improved drastically over the past few years), but for some reason I just don't. I have accepted that they won't see eye to eye with me on a variety of important issues. Despite these differences, both of them have put in much more of an effort, and so I owe them the same - but my expectations are low especially after the past few weeks. There is a consistent pattern of overreacting and crossing the line without any attempts at reconciliation, and this makes being open or trusting them much more difficult. The biggest struggle by far is communication - not only a language barrier but a culture barrier as well. Regardless of the difficulty of the process, I truly believe that my relationships with siblings and parents will improve and strengthen as a result.
My personal life has been a mix between a sitcom and an excessively dramatic soap opera. All I can do is laugh when I look back at the unpredictability of it. What's most funny to me is that this was the part of my life I was expecting not to be complicated when I first got back on campus, but things don't always go according to plan. The most difficult part of this goes back to maintaining balance. I've had trouble finding enough time to spend with my close friends while also developing new close relationships. One of the solutions which has worked well has been mixing my various groups of friends. This process has helped me to get to know my existing friends in different ways while also getting to know new people more quickly.
While efficiency seems out of place in terms of personal relationships, it has helped me to organize them in a much better way while also identifying the traits I look for before developing them on any level. Over the past few weeks, my relationships with several of my close friends have changed dramatically. As a result, I've had to consider a variety of adjustments.
Ultimately, the conclusion I've come to is that I should focus on positive aspects of each relationship. If that becomes hard work, then there is a problem. If a relationship is no longer rewarding, there need to be big changes. These kinds of changes can be frustrating, stressful, and even hurtful for those involved. However, if you know you're making the right choice for you, the changes will empower you and lead to a happier and healthier life.
At what point does a relationship become not worth it? That's something I've always struggled to answer. It's difficult to weigh or quantify, but you can tell overall when someone is a negative part of your life. If you identify that, then- and only then- can you make the necessary changes in your life. This process is something that everyone can relate to. As life moves forward you change, your relationships change, your friends change, and circumstances change. It's impossible to predict what the future holds, but it's important to consider what is in your control - the people you surround yourself with. On a personal level, I've learned so much in just a few weeks - and this will help me as I develop existing relationships as well as form new ones in the future.
Despite the fact that large parts of my life have been so unpredictable, I have maintained a consistently positive outlook throughout. In fact, I feel happier now knowing that I've been able to overcome such a variety of obstacles all at once and have learned from my mistakes. I woke up today more energized, refreshed, and stress free than I have in over a month - and I have peace of mind: No matter what life throws my way, no matter where life takes me, I know that things will work out. This peace of mind allows me to embrace the beauty of unpredictability and the craziness of life, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead.
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