Being Honest to Myself

Wow, this semester has been unbelievably crazy. So many ups and downs, so many mistakes made, but also so many lessons learned- So many conflicts, not just with other people but also internally. It’s almost like there were two versions of me. One version that appealed to my rationality – what made sense to me based on my own experiences – then one version that appealed to my emotions (my vulnerable self) or what I felt in my heart– what I didn’t necessarily have control over, which honestly terrified me. I liked to think of myself as a strong person, and I had a pretty defined version of inner strength (which was absurd in retrospect). I liked to think I had control over most situations or over myself, but I’ve realized this isn’t always the case. This misunderstanding consisted of a lot of emotional repression and confusion. But that has completely changed over the semester. The conflicts between my rational perspective and my emotional perspective have really forced me to tackle issues in different ways. These conflicts made me question myself:

Why do I care about people who don’t necessarily show me the same consideration or kindness? Why do I put myself in vulnerable situations when I know it’s going to lead to me getting hurt? Why do I feel taken advantage of even when I know that someone values me or their intentions are good? Why do I try really hard to maintain relationships that will not be rewarding in the long run? Why do little things bother me – and why do some huge things not affect me at all? Why do I think about people in my life so much throughout my day? None of these questions have concrete answers right now. I’ve pondered them and analyzed them quite a bit, but I haven’t reached a real conclusion.

This is who I am. I care about the people in my life – they make such a huge difference to me on a regular basis even when they don’t know it or don’t understand the depth of it. The little things count - in fact they are sometimes more important to me. I try my best to express it and make it known – but people express it in different ways. I invest myself so much into the relationships in my life. Still, occasionally I take for granted the amazing people in my life- and I think everyone can relate to that.

The most important realization I’ve made based on my experiences this semester is that we’re all human – I make many mistakes – I hurt people even when I don’t realize it. And even if I know I am hurting someone, I don’t always have control over it. Sometimes I put hours and hours of consideration into important decisions but still make the wrong choice. Even when I know I’m making the best decision for myself, it can still be painful and difficult to accept. Part of this realization is accepting the fact that everyone in my life will hurt me, people will make mistakes – the fact that I trust someone enough to be vulnerable around them means that they have the ability to hurt me. But there is true strength in vulnerability – and that is a simple concept to articulate but extremely difficult for me to accept and live by.

Despite all of this, I’ve realized how beautiful it is to have love in my heart for people I care about. Love can be selfish – I like to be a big part of my friends’ lives – I like to think I make a big difference and that I am contributing positively. I like to think people need me. This isn’t always the case – but I’ve realized what an important thing it is to continue to care about people and truly support those in my life – to know that I would do anything for those I love even if I don’t have to all the time. To transcend the selfishness of it all – is something special. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t mean I’m being taken advantage of – it just means I have love in my heart, which is a wonderful thing. No matter how many times I am hurt, feel weak, or feel discouraged, the fact that I can persist and love those around me means I’m maturing as a human being. It’s always going to be a struggle, because that’s the nature of it – but I’m truly blessed and so glad that I haven’t lost the ability to love, to care, to trust, and to be vulnerable. Thank you.