Being Honest to Myself

Wow, this semester has been unbelievably crazy. So many ups and downs, so many mistakes made, but also so many lessons learned- So many conflicts, not just with other people but also internally. It’s almost like there were two versions of me. One version that appealed to my rationality – what made sense to me based on my own experiences – then one version that appealed to my emotions (my vulnerable self) or what I felt in my heart– what I didn’t necessarily have control over, which honestly terrified me. I liked to think of myself as a strong person, and I had a pretty defined version of inner strength (which was absurd in retrospect). I liked to think I had control over most situations or over myself, but I’ve realized this isn’t always the case. This misunderstanding consisted of a lot of emotional repression and confusion. But that has completely changed over the semester. The conflicts between my rational perspective and my emotional perspective have really forced me to tackle issues in different ways. These conflicts made me question myself:

Why do I care about people who don’t necessarily show me the same consideration or kindness? Why do I put myself in vulnerable situations when I know it’s going to lead to me getting hurt? Why do I feel taken advantage of even when I know that someone values me or their intentions are good? Why do I try really hard to maintain relationships that will not be rewarding in the long run? Why do little things bother me – and why do some huge things not affect me at all? Why do I think about people in my life so much throughout my day? None of these questions have concrete answers right now. I’ve pondered them and analyzed them quite a bit, but I haven’t reached a real conclusion.

This is who I am. I care about the people in my life – they make such a huge difference to me on a regular basis even when they don’t know it or don’t understand the depth of it. The little things count - in fact they are sometimes more important to me. I try my best to express it and make it known – but people express it in different ways. I invest myself so much into the relationships in my life. Still, occasionally I take for granted the amazing people in my life- and I think everyone can relate to that.

The most important realization I’ve made based on my experiences this semester is that we’re all human – I make many mistakes – I hurt people even when I don’t realize it. And even if I know I am hurting someone, I don’t always have control over it. Sometimes I put hours and hours of consideration into important decisions but still make the wrong choice. Even when I know I’m making the best decision for myself, it can still be painful and difficult to accept. Part of this realization is accepting the fact that everyone in my life will hurt me, people will make mistakes – the fact that I trust someone enough to be vulnerable around them means that they have the ability to hurt me. But there is true strength in vulnerability – and that is a simple concept to articulate but extremely difficult for me to accept and live by.

Despite all of this, I’ve realized how beautiful it is to have love in my heart for people I care about. Love can be selfish – I like to be a big part of my friends’ lives – I like to think I make a big difference and that I am contributing positively. I like to think people need me. This isn’t always the case – but I’ve realized what an important thing it is to continue to care about people and truly support those in my life – to know that I would do anything for those I love even if I don’t have to all the time. To transcend the selfishness of it all – is something special. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t mean I’m being taken advantage of – it just means I have love in my heart, which is a wonderful thing. No matter how many times I am hurt, feel weak, or feel discouraged, the fact that I can persist and love those around me means I’m maturing as a human being. It’s always going to be a struggle, because that’s the nature of it – but I’m truly blessed and so glad that I haven’t lost the ability to love, to care, to trust, and to be vulnerable. Thank you.

What Are You Thankful For?

A couple of months ago I got some incredibly useful advice from a good friend: Every morning as you wake up, think of three things you are grateful for in your life. Even though it may seem silly at first, I've been doing this for a few months, and it has made a big difference in my overall mood when I wake up (especially since I'm not a morning person). There are no real limitations on what you can list, and there are no right or wrong answers. At a certain point this process becomes a habit and can help you wake up with a positive mindset - which can make a huge difference, particularly on days when you need to be productive. Over time, I've noticed that what I'm thankful for in my life generally falls into a few categories. As cheesy as it is to post on Thanksgiving, I figured there is no better time to share:

Friends:

"See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. " - Pope John XXIII

I am truly thankful for the wonderful friends who help me maintain a balance, not only within our friendships but in life in general. To me, friends are people who I can always count on and who accept me for who I am - but also challenge me to learn from my mistakes, reach my goals, and improve. They are people who strive to understand me but who also help me understand myself and the world better over time. That balance is not easy reach and it continually changes for everyone. To my friends, I cannot even begin to express the depth of my gratitude. 

Places:

"You can fall in love at first sight with a place as with a person."  -Alec Waugh

There are so many places I am thankful for. Sometimes it's the school's tennis court, where I can keep my mind off of everything. Then there's my local coffee shop where I've met some of my favorite people, written some of my favorite poems, read some of my favorite books, and tasted some of the best coffee. Often it's the dock, which can serve as a quiet place of deep thought as well as a place of pure relaxation. I can't forget the Sunken Gardens, where I've done everything from marveling at the beauty of the stars in the night sky to streaking as a part of the triathlon. Each time I visit these places I have wonderful experiences, but they also remind me of previous memorable experiences. I love finding places that make me feel at home and comfortable, even when I'm somewhere new. 

Objects:

“Poetry lifts the veil from the hidden beauty of the world, and makes familiar objects be as if they were not familiar.” - Percy Shelley

Often there are material objects in my life that hold meaning only I understand, and we all have objects that hold special meaning to us. They remind of us wonderful times and people in our lives. I have a friendship bracelet that I made with my best friend from middle school, and I still smile every time I see it. I have a song my friend and I recorded from years ago, and I still laugh hysterically when I hear it. I have a journal of poetry that I've kept since high school, and it's still fun to see how my writing has changed over time. However, Even things without sentimental value that we see on a regular basis can trigger emotions or inspire us. My favorite poets of the romantic era often wrote odes to objects that seemed mundane or ordinary, but framed them in a way that made them seem beautiful. John Keats believed that everything was beautiful, but that each object required a different kind of light to reveal its true beauty. For me, our campus is an example. Although I enjoy walking through campus during the day, something about the night sky above the scenic campus is just more beautiful to me. Everything, from the leaves and trees to the lights seems slightly different, and it is all peaceful. 

Through this process I've become much more appreciative of all that I have in my life. You'd be surprised at how much just stopping and thinking about it can do - So I challenge you to do so: What are you thankful for?

The Beauty of Unpredictability

It's been a while since I last posted, and I want to take some time to share my thoughts. The past few weeks have been absolutely crazy. By "crazy" I don't mean bad, but just incredibly unpredictable. At times like these, I like to look back and reflect on each situation so that I can take away important lessons for the future. 

Academically, it's been a challenge. Although my grades have been good by most standards, I haven't been satisfied by my level of efficiency with time. I often spend hours reading and trying to digest information without feeling like I actually learned much. Most of my classes focus on pure memorization without any practical application. With the exception of my poetry class (which is only once a week) and the occasional interesting lecture in global history, my classes have been uninteresting to me. Much of my time devoted to academics seems to be a waste. However, I've managed to find motivation; I can't even pinpoint exactly what is motivating me. Grades certainly don't at this point, and I'm not interested in the classes - perhaps I'm still riding the wave of motivation from the beginning of the semester. Regardless, I'm glad that I've put in enough time to do well in all my classes - and I hope that I can improve my efficiency or develop more of an interest in some of the material. 

At home, I am continuing to develop stronger relationships with my siblings and my parents. I rarely talk to my little brother but am still very close with him. I have been putting forth more of an effort in terms of keeping up with my sisters. Although it has been less than rewarding at times, it has still helped me to feel more connected with them - and ultimately will help to get along better with them despite our huge differences. My attempts with my parents have been less than successful. I want to believe that my parents will be understanding and somewhat flexible (and they have improved drastically over the past few years), but for some reason I just don't. I have accepted that they won't see eye to eye with me on a variety of important issues. Despite these differences, both of them have put in much more of an effort, and so I owe them the same - but my expectations are low especially after the past few weeks. There is a consistent pattern of overreacting and crossing the line without any attempts at reconciliation, and this makes being open or trusting them much more difficult. The biggest struggle by far is communication - not only a language barrier but a culture barrier as well. Regardless of the difficulty of the process, I truly believe that my relationships with siblings and parents will improve and strengthen as a result.

My personal life has been a mix between a sitcom and an excessively dramatic soap opera. All I can do is laugh when I look back at the unpredictability of it. What's most funny to me is that this was the part of my life I was expecting not to be complicated when I first got back on campus, but things don't always go according to plan. The most difficult part of this goes back to maintaining balance. I've had trouble finding enough time to spend with my close friends while also developing new close relationships. One of the solutions which has worked well has been mixing my various groups of friends. This process has helped me to get to know my existing friends in different ways while also getting to know new people more quickly. 

While efficiency seems out of place in terms of personal relationships, it has helped me to organize them in a much better way while also identifying the traits I look for before developing them on any level. Over the past few weeks, my relationships with several of my close friends have changed dramatically. As a result, I've had to consider a variety of adjustments. 

Ultimately, the conclusion I've come to is that I should focus on positive aspects of each relationship. If  that becomes hard work, then there is a problem. If a relationship is no longer rewarding, there need to be big changes. These kinds of changes can be frustrating, stressful, and even hurtful for those involved. However, if you know you're making the right choice for you, the changes will empower you and lead to a happier and healthier life. 

At what point does a relationship become not worth it? That's something I've always struggled to answer. It's difficult to weigh or quantify, but you can tell overall when someone is a negative part of your life. If you identify that, then- and only then- can you make the necessary changes in your life. This process is something that everyone can relate to. As life moves forward you change, your relationships change, your friends change, and circumstances change. It's impossible to predict what the future holds, but it's important to consider what is in your control - the people you surround yourself with. On a personal level, I've learned so much in just a few weeks - and this will help me as I develop existing relationships as well as form new ones in the future. 

Despite the fact that large parts of my life have been so unpredictable, I have maintained a consistently positive outlook throughout. In fact, I feel happier now knowing that I've been able to overcome such a variety of obstacles all at once and have learned from my mistakes. I woke up today more energized, refreshed, and stress free than I have in over a month - and I have peace of mind: No matter what life throws my way, no matter where life takes me, I know that things will work out. This peace of mind allows me to embrace the beauty of unpredictability and the craziness of life, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead. 

A Walk to Remember

One of my favorite daily activities is a late night walk. Something about night time, particularly in the summer, is soothing and peaceful to me. These walks can serve different roles. Sometimes I just reflect on what I did that day. Other times it can help to clear my mind or relax. Very rarely, I'll have a particularly memorable experience during a walk. Tonight I experienced one that I will never forget:

The day had gone by rather quickly, and the weather was absolutely crazy. It went from the perfect weather to a huge lightning storm and strong winds. I was watching the storm through the window of the restaurant with my friend, waiting for it to settle down if only a bit. Finally the rain stopped, and the weather was calm. It felt like the perfect time for a walk. The air was warm and humid, the sky was surprisingly clearing up, and the city seemed peaceful. Just as I was about to leave, she asked to join me for the walk. Although I prefer going on walks alone, I politely welcomed her to join me. This was going to be the last night of my visit to Richmond, and I wanted to mix it up. I had taken the path from the apartment to the VCU  campus several times before, so I decided to walk down the path near the river. After visiting the very scenic James River earlier that day, we were excited to experience its beauty at night.

When we got to the river path, it was absolutely beautiful. The lights around the city contrasted wonderfully with the night sky. The sound of water streaming was soothing and peaceful. The air was even more moist, but also refreshing and cool. I was convinced that the James River was most beautiful at night.

After some time on the bridge near the river, we began walking down the path. At first, we talked more in depth about the same topics that came up during dinner, and those that came up almost every time we talked. With her, the topics of conversation were usually pretty lighthearted, like our favorite TV shows, food, movies, and daily events in our respective lives. She loved joking around, was constantly smiling or laughing, and just always seemed to enjoy life. Not only that, but she helped others around her to appreciate life as well. That's part of what made her such an amazing person. 

We stopped halfway through and decided to sit down for a while. The look on her face changed from the familiar smile to a look of concern. I knew what she was going to bring up. Recently, her mother, who was a single parent and who she was incredibly close to, had died from complications after heart surgery. I had met her mother several times, but didn't know her that well. Although I talked to her a few times about it, I never tried to bring it up myself - and we never really talked about the situation in depth. I sat there, waiting for her to say something, but there was only silence. 

Suddenly, after a few minutes of silence, she started to cry. She was sobbing uncontrollably and tears were streaming down her face. I didn't know how to react. I put my arm around her and tried to comfort her. It felt like her body had collapsed, and she buried her face on my shoulder. What she was feeling was so directly portrayed by the look on her face and in her eyes. All I was thinking was that I wished she didn't have to go through this. Still there were no words. She continued to hold on tightly, and I felt her warmth as she grabbed my hand. We sat there for what seemed like ages. 

I could tell she had stopped crying, and there was no more sobbing or sniffling. Even though it was dark, I could see the redness and swelling in her eyes. Finally, she spoke -"I can't imagine life without her" Again, I didn't know what I could possibly say or do. I just told her that I was sorry, and that I wished she didn't have to go through such a tough loss. She nodded and sat up. She began to tell me a story about how she and her mother used to make blueberry pancakes every morning before church since she was a young child. Again, the look of sadness on her face was so clear, even as she was attempting to smile. She got up and started to wipe the tears from her face, and we continued walking down the path. 

She shared several more stories about her mother throughout the rest of the walk. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to every one of them, and I could tell she enjoyed recalling and sharing her experiences. As she was telling them, her face was lighting up and she was smiling more and more. By the end of the walk, she seemed to be back to normal. It felt surreal after sharing such a powerful moment of sadness and devastation, and I knew that I would never forget that moment. Even so, as I looked at her smiling and sharing memories, I knew that things would turn out alright for her - and that was all I needed. 

Late Night Thoughts

I want to preface this post with a couple of things. First, this is going to be much deeper and more personal than most of my other blog posts, and it's pretty lengthy. Also, these are just some late night thoughts without much coherency, so I apologize in advance. I'm running on very little sleep over the past few days, but I still felt this was worth posting. I often have these random adventures in my mind, usually when I'm driving or taking a late night walk - and I think sometimes it's worth putting these thoughts on paper: 

I was cruising on the interstate, relaxing music playing in the background, headed to West Virginia. I was looking forward to visiting my college roommate, and one of my best friends. I never got a chance to hang out with him much the semester he graduated. Surely the weekend would be fun, but there were so many thoughts going through my head. There were so many memories and experiences. There were some wonderful high points, and difficult low points. For the first time it really hit me just how much having such a close friend for a roommate meant to me over three years. Thinking about all of the experiences we had together put a big smile on my face. I began to wonder how I could possibly articulate this sentiment, and I was grateful that I would at least have an opportunity to do so that weekend.

My mind began to wander, and I started to think about all the people in my life who I didn't get to say goodbye to last semester. There were many of my closest friends who graduated, they had put up with all my craziness, and I was never afraid to be myself around them. And that was so important to me - it was because of them that I truly began to understand the value of being myself and of letting my guard down. I didn't feel pressure to change myself in any way - just being me was always good enough. I knew that I had taken many of them for granted, and I guess I just never got a chance to truly thank them for everything. It's a good possibility that many of them will never know how much better my college experience has been because of them.It's an interesting and common theme, if you think about it: You make much more of a difference than you know. 

For some reason, I started to think about how well I got to know so many of my friends at school and how my relationships developed and the dynamics changed throughout the years. I also thought about how coming to WM affected my relationships with those at home. I realized that I got much closer to many of my friends from home while I was in Williamsburg. I started to wonder: Why? Maybe it was because I valued having people around me who I was comfortable with. After all, coming to school and having to form all new relationships with people took a lot of energy. Going back home allowed me to go back into my comfort zone. I also felt what I valued in my friends changed significantly after my first year at WM, and so I felt that my relationships with those at home had to evolve in some ways. There are probably several more reasons I don't truly understand - but I can say that I have very much enjoyed adding more depth to my existing relationships. 

This question kept running through my mind: How well do you know the people in your life? How well do they know you? Relationships work in complicated ways, and there are so many factors to consider. I was thinking about all of my friends at WM. It was odd to me that most of my closest friends at school, I had only known for a year or less. Logically, I would think my closest friends would be those who I'd known for a long period of time. There was not one factor that logically explained the dynamics of the relationships I had with my friends at school. It always confused me, but especially since my semester off I had come to appreciate the randomness of that aspect of my life. 

What I now think is that you just get along best with people who are truly similar to you - and while that sounds simple at first it is truly complicated. There's a significant difference between what people project and who they truly are. From my experiences, this is always the case whether they admit it or not. The best explanation I have is that I just click with people who are truly like me - but it's difficult to find those people. Many of my closest friends seem much different from me. Everyone deals with insecurities and so much pressure, and it can be tough to be yourself around people who you feel are so different from you. I can count on one hand how many people I feel truly know me and understand me on a deeper level. These are the people who make me truly happy, and who I care about enough to share important aspects of my life with. As I develop new relationships, that can be discouraging and frustrating- because there are some people I know who will never truly understand me. But it's also exciting to know that there are many people out there who I will be able to form close bonds to in the future and share wonderful experiences with. 

I started to think about all the people in my life who impacted me significantly. My parents and siblings came to mind first. It's something I never felt like I had to express, kind of like an unspoken agreement. I love my family and family members love me- and at the end of the day regardless of any disagreements that's what matters most. The relationship was pretty straightforward. I then thought of all of my favorite teachers and some childhood friends, and I wondered if I would ever be in touch with some of them again. Strangely I didn't feel pressure to get in contact with any of them though. A thought occurred to me that seems fairly obvious now, but was like an epiphany at the time: life goes on, no matter how many friends you gain or lose. People change, circumstances change, relationships change, and so much is out of your control - but You'll always have wonderful memories, and they will make you smile and laugh. It's important to know that you'll always find new experiences and people to share them with. 

At last, my mind wandered back to all of the people who I wish I could have said goodbye to - and I had the widest smile on my face. The thoughts of all the fun conversations and experiences I had with them flooded in and warmed my heart. I was feeling true gratification thinking about such meaningful relationships with amazing people. At that moment I also realized that there isn't always a right time to say goodbye, and sometimes goodbyes aren't necessary at all. All I could hope for was that when any one of them thought about all the wonderful memories, that they would feel this level of joy, and maybe smile or laugh, too. I knew that I had also made a difference in their lives in one way or another - and there's no way to properly describe exactly what I was feeling right then, but I knew that this was what made me happy: Making an impact on those I truly cared about. 

The Perfect Week

My excitement has been building steadily for E3, an electronic entertainment expo where each of the biggest software and hardware developers will gather to discuss details about plans for the rest of the year as well as a general vision for the future. We'll get to see all of the most anticipated titles from a variety of developers including Nintendo, Ubisoft, Naughty Dog, and Electronic Arts. It will be an incredibly busy week to say the least. I'll be carefully watching each press conference and writing furiously throughout the four days of the expo. Here's a rundown of each day for anyone interested in the abundance of coverage that will be provided:

Day 1: This year Nintendo will be kicking off the conference with arguably the biggest press conference of the event. Out of the three hardware developers (Microsoft and Sony are the other two) Nintendo is the only one that will introduce and provide details for a new console. The Wii U received mixed reactions when it was first unveiled, and Nintendo has a lot to prove at this year's E3. The tablet controller is the main feature of the console, as well as an upgrade to high definition graphics. However, it is still a mystery and has been redesigned a few times since it was unveiled. The key is going to be the software lineup available at launch. After a disappointing launch to the 3DS, Nintendo has learned that the software lineup is crucial to make a console launch successful. Hopefully after the press conference, Nintendo will be able to convince consumers and other developers that their hardware is unique and worth picking up when it's released this fall.

Aside from the Wii U, Nintendo will be discussing an impressive lineup for the 3DS, including games from almost every major 3rd party developer of handheld games. Many are expecting a 3DS lite system to be unveiled at the press conference, which would make sense considering Nintendo's history of redesigning and repackaging handheld systems. A big focus of the 3DS portion of the conference is going to be connectivity with the Wii U, and we have already heard a few developers comment on the expanded connectivity relative to the original DS and the Wii. This is, by far, my most anticipated conference, and I absolutely cannot wait to see what the industry's most innovative have planned for the future.

Day 2: The second day of the conference will be mainly third party exhibitions, with Ubisoft and Activision/Blizzard having the largest presence. Many are looking for details of the next Starcraft 2, Heart of the Swarm, from Blizzard. They will also be announcing a beta for the next WoW expansion. Activision will be unveiling the next Call of Duty game, and they have also promised a new franchise which is both surprising and exciting. I am personally looking forward most to the new franchises and games series that will be introduced. The Last of Us was introduced earlier this year by Naughty Dog, and there are incredibly high expectations from such a reputable studio. More than anything, E3 is about the games, and more details about the biggest titles of the year will be discussed on day 2 than any of the other days. This is also usually the day of the most surprises, which always makes it interesting.

Day 3: Microsoft's presentation will most likely be the most polished as usual, but it is expected to be on the shorter side. Unlike most other years, they will have an extra day to digest the Nintendo press conference and adjust their presentation accordingly. Although Microsoft have said repeatedly that they will not be discussing their next console, there isn't a whole lot else to talk about. Kinect titles have generally received lukewarm reactions. I personally have no interest in Kinect titles or functionality, and if they don't announce any huge first party titles it will be a disappointment. The saving grace for Microsoft could be Halo 4, and hopefully it will be playable on the show floor.

Day 4: The Sony press conference is perhaps the most unpredictable. However, I trust that they will introduce unique first party titles, as well as give details on some of their anticipated titles set to release this year. Like Microsoft, Sony has promised that there will be no announcement of a new console or new hardware. Unlike Microsoft, however, Sony already has first and second party titles to discuss at the conference. It would be smart for Sony to focus on their Playstation Vita software lineup, as it includes a wide variety of titles. Since the Vita needs stronger marketing and more exposure, it would be smart for Sony to focus on the upcoming titles. A price cut would also help to boost sales post E3.

If the Sony conference wasn't exciting enough, I'll be looking forward to the midnight premiere of Prometheus, my most anticipated movie of the year. With an incredible cast, a director with an impeccable history with science fiction films, and a massive budget, expectations are monumentally high.

The Weekend: After four days of coverage, I'll most likely be exhausted. However, the fun doesn't stop there! In fact, most of the entire weekend will be incredibly busy. During the day, I'll be watching and covering MLG Anaheim, a major Starcraft tournament. Friday night I will get to listen to the beautiful 25th Anniversary Zelda orchestra concert. I've already heard many of the songs and they are amazing. Saturday night will be filled with post E3 events, and it should provide a break from all the craziness.

With so many awesome events lined up for the week, it should be an incredible experience. I absolutely cannot wait for this year's E3 week.

5 Reasons I Love Games

Playing video games has been a past time of mine from a very young age. From the Super Nintendo in the mid nineties to the current generation of consoles, my enjoyment of games has evolved. Here are the top five reasons I love video games, and hopefully they help you to understand what makes the medium so unique: 

5. Pure fun : 

Most games, especially in the earlier generations of consoles, were focused purely on gameplay. The technological limitations didn't allow for some of the high end graphics and orchestrated soundtracks that exist today in many games. Often when developers work within these limitations, they are actually able to create even more impressive works. So when I first started playing video games, obviously the most important part was to have fun and enjoy myself. Games provided a platform for entertainment for the whole family as well as many fond memories, and often our family time would consist of one person playing while the rest of the family watched.

4. Creativity :

Creativity has shined in video games more so than in any other medium in recent times. There are such large varieties of video games, and many are designed and marketed to a small niche which makes the medium unique. The independent developers are making more of an impact now than ever before due to digital distribution, and there will only be more opportunities for developers to explore creative ideas in the future. Not just the creativity of the medium as a whole, but also that of specific projects is absolutely impressive. Platformers, my favorite genre, specifically focus on creative level design, environments, and mechanics. Although the general idea of platformers is simple (You basically just run and jump throughout the game), developers have found ways to keep the genre fresh. A perfect example of this is Mario Galaxy, a game in which each of the over 60 levels in the game introduces unique environments, enemies, and gameplay mechanics. Creativity is often under appreciated even among game enthusiasts, but it should not be discounted. 

3. Competition : 

This aspect of video games became a bigger part of my enjoyment as I got older. It all started with Mario Party on the Nintendo 64. It was framed as a board game, and each of the four characters played mini games to collect coins and stars. Since I have three siblings, this was a perfect game to enjoy regularly. Each game could last for hours, and it was designed to always come down to the wire - so there were many frantic, memorable moments throughout. This enjoyment of competition continued as online components became a bigger part of multiplayer games, and the most enjoyable part about it was that each game had a unique skillset required to win. Shooting games required quick reaction, aim, and accuracy; Strategy games required planning, decision making, and anticipation; Fighting games more than anything required on the fly adaptation and pattern recognition. Regardless of the genre or the specific game, there was always something so satisfying about being challenged and constantly improving. 

2. Community : 

This partially goes along with the competition aspect. However, this became more important once online components became standard in multiplayer games. Before then, game communities, while still incredibly important, were limited to your friends in your area who had the same games or who would come over and play them. Once online components were introduced, this changed completely. Especially in competitive games, online communities became prevalent. The best example of this is Starcraft 2. The learning curve of the game is somewhat high, so it requires a lot of time and effort to improve at a steady pace and is conducive to a learning environment. Many of the people I played against online became friends who I regularly discussed the game with and ways to improve. Outside of that, there was Team Liquid, which was a website designed for people to discuss strategies within the game and help people get better. Now, with the introduction of video streaming, Team Liquid is a hub for players to stream content to hundreds of thousands around the world who watch for entertainment or to improve. These communities can expand infinitely, and in countries like South Korea and China, game communities are part of the culture as a whole. Perhaps the most important aspect of these communities is that they bring such a diverse group of people together. People from all around the world want to make the community better in unique ways. We have professional football players, Olympic fencers, comedians, talk show hosts, writers, and people with many other talents who are contributing to the community. Every day I interact with the number of game communities I'm involved with, I feel lucky. 

1. Immersion: 

There are only a select few video games in which you can achieve total immersion. So many factors are involved, and they vary depending on the person playing the game. No other medium provides the level of interaction that video games do. Immersion within a game can make it a truly unique experience that cannot be replicated. For people who don't play video games it's difficult to understand, but I'll try my best to give an appropriate example. A game called Dark Souls, which was released last year, was one of my favorite games of all time. The general idea of the game was that you explore a variety of dungeons in an open world. Everything about the game just clicked for me. The soundtrack was ambient, chilling, and isolating which perfectly represented the environments within the game; the actual sound effects were spot on and realistic; The graphics fit the dark, fantasy theme well; The enemies were imaginative, unique, and downright scary at times - particularly the final bosses of each level were some of the best designed encounters ever in video games; The levels were designed so that you had to know them like the back of your hand to get through them; The world was mysterious, yet I cared enough about it to explore every part of it and find various clues about the lore; Most importantly the gameplay was challenging without being cheap. All these factors combined provided an experience that was unparalleled. Even today, whenever I sit down to play Dark Souls, I am completely enthralled by the experience. This is why I play video games. 

What I've Learned So Far

As most of my friends know, I have taken this semester of school off for a variety of reasons. Although I expected it largely to be unproductive, I hoped that it would re energize me and prepare me for next semester. Interestingly enough, I feel that I've gained more this semester off than I have from any one semester on campus so far - and I have learned so much over the past few months, not only about myself but also about life in general.

Allow me to elaborate. As a junior, I feel that I've experienced much of what college life has to offer: I've made many meaningful connections with amazing people, whether they are students, professors, or mentors; I've enjoyed parties with friends after long weeks of studying; I've experienced the difficulties of "hell weeks" and consecutive all nighters; I've come to appreciate the charm of the beautiful campus; I've dabbled in a variety of extra curricular activities like club tennis, young democrats, and anime club; I've spent the summer on campus, and I've spent the summer as an intern in DC; Well, you get the picture - I've tried to make the most of my time on campus.

However, there were a variety of difficulties that I simply wasn't prepared for once school began. Academically, my expectations changed - I went from being sure of what I wanted to do after school to being completely confused. I went from being focused purely on grades to putting forth more of a consistent effort to learn comprehensively and for my own interest. My apathy about so many issues turned into engagement and immersion.

Socially, my expectations largely changed as well. I grew up in a small town in southwestern Virginia - where there was not much diversity, not much ambition, and where my values differed greatly from those around me. My experiences there were challenging, and ultimately they allowed me to become a lot more comfortable with my own values and myself as a person. One of the negative effects of those experiences, however, was that I was not used to interacting with people who had similar interests and values as I did. Once I got to William and Mary, I was surrounded by those people. When you're used to being the odd one out, you sometimes don't know how to act around people who think like you.

Overall, I changed as a person dramatically and matured in a lot of ways. However, I didn't feel that I was able to see the progress or how far I had come until recently. Much of it probably has to do with the fact that I've had more time to reflect and more free time in general. Some of it also has to do with my interactions being largely with people who I haven't talked to for a while and who have helped me to identify the ways that I've changed positively.

One of the most important accomplishments of this semester off has been developing my relationships with a variety of people. Surprisingly, rather than losing touch with my friends on campus, I improved most of those relationships. Since I've had to put an effort into thinking about and maintaining these relationships regularly, I've noticed that I appreciate them much more and actively express that appreciation as well as what I feel is unique about each one. The fact that many of my closest friends are graduating at the end of the semester also made me think regularly about how I will keep in touch with all of them after school. Balancing each of these relationships has proven difficult and exhausting at times, but also incredibly rewarding. I've learned the true impact that real, thought provoking conversations can have on people - and how important it is to continue to keep relationships dynamic and always look to improve them. Throughout the process of managing these relationships, I also really learned the importance of consistency and routine in my life. Although I have a long way to go in terms of managing time and creating a regular routine, I have made much progress.

Despite my own expectations, I also managed to be somewhat productive in terms of real world experience. I was able to work on my writing skills and develop areas in which I was weak. Academically my previous writing experience had been research papers and essay. My other writing experiences were on my own time, very opinionated, and usually I didn't push myself to finish within any sort of deadline. Not only did I learn new formats of writing recently (Game reviews, previews, newspaper articles, etc.), but I also learned much more about journalism which is particularly interesting to me. I learned to accept that when there are consistent, weekly deadlines, along with random assignments throughout the month, that I won't be able to turn in my best work every time. However, I also balanced that without compromising the overall quality of my writing - I never settled for mediocrity and always tried to use what I learned in each article I wrote. These have been valuable experiences that have helped me appreciate writing so much more.

Perhaps most importantly, I have learned much about myself over the past few months. I have become a much more positive person in general. I've seen a significant change in my overall thought process as a result of many deliberate techniques. I start the day thinking about three things I am grateful for - which only takes a few minutes but has made a huge impact on my mood on a daily basis. I also try to start the day with one of my favorite songs and a cup of coffee which goes along with the appreciation of a routine. Often I exchange messages with some friends or have thought provoking conversations to start my day by actively thinking. Recently, I have been trying to find a role and a purpose for each of my actions throughout the day as well. Although this is tedious, it has allowed me to plan more efficiently and live with a better sense of purpose overall.

I have been able to work on dealing with high levels of stress and anxiety, as well as pinpointing the causes. Oftentimes with anxiety, there are days when you just don't feel like you have the energy to deal with all the craziness of life. Particularly last semester, these days were all too common. It felt like stressful situations were popping up one right after the other and overlapping way too much - and I just had no idea how to deal with them all at once. While life has been just as unpredictable recently, I have dealt with it so much better - and I am satisfied to say that I've learned from my mistakes in the past. When I pinpoint and recognize a problem, I address it much more directly, and I am able to move on more quickly. Admittedly, it is still a struggle at times. On top of dealing with stress and anxiety, I have learned how to deal with my anger in a much less intrusive manner. I have gotten better at preventing anger at one particular thing from translating to anger in general. Still, I recognize that there are times when I just have no energy or am physically and psychologically exhausted. During these times I need to be alone, chill out, and give myself time to re energize - and this realization more than any other has helped me to deal with stress, anxiety, and anger.

Even as I am writing, it's becoming easier for me to see just how much progress I have made in terms of improving every aspect of my life. When I see the progress I have made, it is extremely gratifying. Still, it only makes me want to continue this pattern. As long as I continue to improve as a person, this semester off will be a success.

The Confounding Effect of Fear

When I think of my fears, all sorts of things come to mind. There are common ones like bears, heights, and the big one - Death. But there is another dimension of fear that I feel isn't explored as much as it should be. For example, the fear of an unfortunate realization - whether it is about you, someone you hold in high regard, or anything you value. This internal fear is sometimes even more paralyzing and obtrusive than physical fear, yet it is often ignored.

The reason I find this so important is because fear and the process of accepting / confronting it have gotten me out of numerous tough situations in my life. It was incredibly difficult for me to understand at first, but only recently have I begun to realize the impact that fear has had in my life. I had many emotional fears, such as not fitting in, not being trusted, or not being liked - but the biggest one was being vulnerable. I did not recognize these fears at the time, and it took me years to accept them. My fear of not fitting in prevented me from being individualistic and developing creativity in a positive way. My fear of not being trusted, and inevitably my fear of trusting people prevented me from learning so much more from friends and family. My fear of not being liked allowed me to justify compromising my most important values, which I would consider unacceptable by my own standards today. My fear of vulnerability prevented me from forming many potentially significant and meaningful relationships with a variety of people. When I look back at the huge impact of fear in the past, I wonder how it will affect my future.

I have confronted and continue to work on accepting some of these fears without abandoning my own values. Now, more than ever, I have begin to explore what makes me unique as a human being while accepting that we can all find common ground. I no longer worry about whether people trust me, and I trust those who are willing to be a consistent part of my life. I value and respect myself enough not to always cater to others - and rather, value my own character and principles.

On one hand, there are risks of accepting vulnerability. After there is a mutual level of trust and vulnerability, if that trust is betrayed, the consequences can be severe. It can change both people in a lot of ways, and it can have negative effects on both people's relationships with others. So why trust anyone enough to be completely vulnerable?

The most significant thing I have learned by facing these fears is that vulnerability is a privilege, and it is not something to be afraid of. Let me explain : I believe the foundation of mutual trust is vulnerability. If someone is willing to open up to you and trust you enough to show vulnerability, it shows that your relationship with that person is unique. It also allows you to be more open, and when both people in any kind of relationship are comfortable around each other enough to be vulnerable, it is a truly unique and more meaningful. These kind of relationships cannot be formed without that level of trust and vulnerability, especially if it is not mutual.

These are all lessons I have learned from fear. None of them were easy to learn, and I made many mistakes along the way. I also accept that I will make more mistakes in the future. I know that I still have many emotional fears - but the most important struggle is for balance - specifically that I balance confrontation and acceptance of fear. It can be difficult to find that balance for each fear, but if we strive for it the quality of our relationships and our lives will show it.

Top 5: Movies

I've been having a lot of interesting conversations with a variety of people about movies and cinematography. The films a person enjoys can say a lot about that person. I believe the medium to be very personal. Yet I never really considered what my favorite movie was. I can name a few that I believe are unmatched, but I decided to make a list of my top five movies of all time. It was extremely difficult to say the least, but here it is:

5. Flipped - This is not an amazing movie in terms of direction, but the plot was so engaging and the characters were multidimensional and likable. This movie will make you laugh, cry, and everything in between. There is just a great variety of emotional engagement, and it makes the movie a unique experience. Throughout the whole movie, the talented actors made the characters easy to relate to and made you want to root for the protagonists wholeheartedly without being disingenuous. Very few movies have that kind of affect on the viewer, and for that reason, Flipped is in the top five.

4. State of Play - This movie represents the return of the original political thriller. At the time, political thrillers were just glorified action movies which focused less on characterization and acting, and more on special effects and pure action. While I enjoy action movies as much as the next guy, I particularly appreciate interesting, suspenseful plots and intelligent acting. The movie itself is incredibly entertaining, with Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe delivering fantastic performances - but the true significance of this movie is bringing back the political thriller genre. This led the way for other brilliant movies in the genre such as The Constant Gardener and Frost/Nixon.

3. Oldboy - This is the second entry in the Vengeance trilogy by the masterful director, Park Chan-Wook. All three movies could easily be in this list, but this is definitely my favorite entry in the trilogy. I would go as far as to say this represents the pinnacle of Korean direction and cinematography. Each frame is so precise and measured. The actors are phenomenal, with moving, emotionally engaging performances throughout. The plot is genius, and the twist is genuinely tough to predict. Until about halfway through the movie, everything is confusing but still interesting and engaging enough to keep the viewer interested. This is intentional, as is the case in all three of Park Chan-Wook's movies in the series. When it all comes together, there is no experience like Oldboy out there, and it is one of the best psychological thrillers ever made. However, I highly recommend watching this movie with English subtitles rather than the voice-overs which are hilariously bad.

2. Michael Clayton - This movie has a fairly predictable plot, but it is all about the acting. Two of my favorites, George Clooney and Tilda Swinton, have two of the best performances I have ever seen. Each scene is spot on in terms of emotional and facial cues. The actors portray the proper mood and atmosphere sometimes without even saying a word. This is a perfect example of when the dialogue (while excellent, as is always the case for Clooney movies), is transcended by the acting skill. It is extremely rare for a movie to be so focused on the tiny details, and with Clooney and Swinton, it works brilliantly. Some think it is slow paced, but for someone who appreciates brilliant acting, it will not fail to impress.

1. Good Night, and Good luck - This political drama was a huge breakthrough for Clooney as a writer. The cast was made up of many up and coming stars at the time (Downey Jr., Langella, Clooney), yet it had a chemistry that was unparalleled. The dialogue was witty, interesting, and engaging. The plot was not only suspenseful and entertaining, but it made the viewer question moral standards in journalism. The subject matter was something that resonated with me, as I was always interested in the role of media in social issues. This movie not only represents my love for journalism, but also for writing in general. If you are interested in journalism, you will absolutely love this movie. If you just want to watch a great movie, I also highly recommend it. It doesn't get much better than this.